I read a post by a favourite artist of mine recently about managing time, focus, and implementing changes (read Valentina’s post). As a WAHM (work at home Mum), striking a balance between work (art and web design), and looking after my family and home etc, is a constant struggle, and I am beginning to wonder if I am ever going to be able to get it right.
Like Valentina, I too am obsessive in some of my tendencies (curious is it not how many artists suffer from some level of OCD). My dependency on the Internet is one of them. I spend way too much time online not actually doing anything at all. My obsessive refreshing to see if anyone has posted, replied, commented, emailed etc, is a problem. My need to keep logging in, just in case I am missing anything is another. I have even hidden my laptop from myself (like I would EVER forget where it is), in an effort sometimes to divorce myself.
Of course, I recognise that being online for me is a means of stress relief. I don’t drink, ever. I stopped smoking in the mid 90s’, and suppose that being online is my dependency. Also, it’s a case of reaching out to my ‘community’. In a society where our community is now so fragmented, we all need to reach out and connect. Despite being a solitary creature by nature, I do at times get lonely, and being online fills a need.
But, as for my home life…I never, ever feel like I catch up with the constant, repetitive and never ending toil of housework, washing, cooking etc. And the most important person in my life sometimes suffers for all this, my beloved daughter, who is the love of my life. So, am constantly feeling guilty that she is not getting enough of my time and attention. Ditto that of my best friend and lover, my husband Luke (who bless him, never complains). I am constantly tired, all the time. You try running around after an active and precocious six year old in your mid forties!
Lastly, I am JUST NOT working enough, I am not productive enough, and am constantly frustrated as a result, and incredibly angry with my own apathy. Plus which, having to manage my constant worry about ‘age’ and trying to play ‘catch up’. Everyone seems so much younger than me, cooler than me, etc, etc, etc. I worry all the time about achieving as much as I can before it’s ‘too late’, whatever the fuck ‘too late’ means. Christ, I am not even that old…only in my forties. But, it’s part of my obsessive nature that I worry constantly about the march of time, and what ‘time’ I have left.
So, having purged myself of some of my angst. I suppose the next logical step is to try and find ways to manage my time better, and construct a more effective working methodology. Do I need to resort to using the techniques I applied in the business world? Create a Gantt Chart!? The mind boggles. I guess a good way to start at least, is to create a simple schedule, and try to stick to it. So, yes, I will do that…and let you know how I get on!
See you on the flip side…